


Bed Frames & Blank Spaces

by PrincessDystopia



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party - Fandom, Skyhill (Band), Starbomb (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Crying, Cussing, Death, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love/Hate, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Sad, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, Songfic, Songwriting, Starbomb (Game Grumps), Triggers, You've been warned, bed frames & blank spaces, lots of cussing, serious guys this is some heavy shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:45:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7972300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessDystopia/pseuds/PrincessDystopia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Join Danny and Raine on their misadventures of life through this series of extremely angsty, fluffy, and despressing song-based one-shots!</p><p>Trigger warnings will be inserted at the beginning of the chapters. Proceed with caution!<br/>50/50 chance these will have happy endings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Dose of Atmosphere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _  
> Vanilla Twilight - Owl City_
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> **  
>  Drug Use  
> Suicide  
> 

Another night of restless tossing and turning. Another night of screaming so furiously into his pillow that it left his throat scorched and torn. Another night of her face flashing through his mind, her lips pulled into the smile he'd fallen in love with time and time again. 

_Her smile._

If there truly was a god, how could it erase the single most beautiful part of Dan's life? He wouldn't hesitate to drop any amount of money, cut off ties with his friends, or even give up his musical career just to see it one last time. He craved it like heroin, which – considering he hadn't touched the stuff since he met her all those years ago – was nothing but repulsive irony.

Dan peeled himself from his sheets, his eyelids heavy. He welcomed the lack of sleep; she haunted his dreams anyway. However, his mood suffered, as well as his daily performance. Everyone had commented about it at some point since he was discharged from the hospital without her. “You're really starting to change, man,” they'd say. “You know she's going to pull through. She's strong.”

Obviously she wasn't. Because she didn't. 

He couldn't care less what they thought of him now. For what it was – and it was worth next to nothing – they could all go fuck themselves. 

Finding himself in front of his bathroom mirror, Dan studied the empty shell of the person staring back at him. Bags of exhaustion settled underneath his bloodshot eyes and his hands trembled ever so slightly as he reached for his toothbrush. How long had it been since he last showered or even attempted to run a brush through his mess of hair? The days had blurred together long ago, or was it recently? Without a delicate, much smaller body curled next to his in the dead of night, keeping track of anything seemed impossible. 

It felt as if molten chains whipped around his heart. With an outcry of anguish, Dan dropped his toothbrush into the sink and delivered his fist into the mirror, watching in some sort of sick pleasure as the cracks in the glass split his face in half.

(~)

_On a particularly harsh winter morning, Dan met a brunette beauty with eyes so blue, he wondered if she pulled them straight from the sky itself. In the crowded and boisterous Starbucks, she flashed him a cheeky grin, almost intentionally showing off her dimples._

_“Dan, right?” she said, her voice so soothing to his ears that it left him longing for more words. “What can I get for you?”_

_Dan's mouth ran dry, his mind blank. How could he forget his order? It was part of his daily routine. Then again, she was here, and she most certainly was not part of it. “I haven't seen you before,” he claimed, his gaze falling onto her name tag, “Raine.”_

_Pursing her full lips, Raine shrugged. “First day,” she confessed nonchalantly. “So, if I screw up your order, blame it on the girl who's supposed to be training me. She'd been in the bathroom for the last hour and a half.”_

_When he finally did order, Dan was surprised to find that she didn't screw up. In fact, he'd never tasted coffee so perfect._

(~)

“You really don't seem up to this today, buddy.”

“I'm fine.”

“What's up with your knuckles?”

Dan curled his fingers into his palm, shielding them with his jacket. “Don't worry about it,” he snapped, feeling only the tiniest amount of guilt at the hurt that sparked in Brian's eyes. “Just...Fuck, dude. Just play the audio.”

Sitting alone with Dan in recording studios used to be something that would make Brian's day a million times better when shit hit the fan. The two would spend hours just experimenting with different vocal techniques and occasionally taking breaks to talk about their lives. As often as they were together, so much happened while they were apart that it made it so they always had something to catch up on. While Brian showed off the latest picture of Audrey discovering new faces, Dan would ramble on the on about Raine – from the way she volunteered at the local animal shelter every weekend to the way she loved to torture herself with sappy romance movies. 

“She says she loves the idea of crap like that,” Dan would tell him, his smile refusing to fade. “But she also thinks it's all a little unrealistic.” 

Since Raine left, Brian hadn't seen Dan smile once. 

“Do you need to talk about it, dude?” the older man inquired, craning his neck to try and peek at Dan's obviously injured hand.

“No, I don't want to fucking talk about anything, Brian!” Dan bellowed. He stood from his chair, towering over his friend. “Play the goddamn audio or I'm leaving! I have better ways to waste my fucking time!”

Brian stared up at the stranger in front of him. He'd heard rumors of Dan's outbursts from Ross and Suzy, but he didn't want to believe them. After all, how could sweet and sensitive Dan yell at someone until tears flowed from their eyes? Sighing, Brian shook his head and reached toward the flashing green button. 

The audio started and Dan sat back down.

(~)

_Dan loved her. He loved her so much that when he thought of her melodic laughter or the way she automatically beamed when he walked through the doors of the coffee shop, his heart ached._

_He would make it a point to visit during her lunch breaks and she would make it a point to prepare his coffee just before she clocked out. Five days a week, they spent thirty minutes delving into each other's lives while the rest of the world disappeared around them. The more he learned about her, the faster and harder he fell for her._

_Raine was a fan of Game Grumps. She mentioned that it had gotten her through her freshman year of college, which she ultimately dropped out of two years later. “I just couldn't stand the feeling that I was wasting my time there,” she explained, clutching her cup of steaming green tea in her petite hands. “I want to learn through experience, not classrooms and textbooks.”_

_Aside from being a college dropout, she was a dedicated vegetarian, a talented painter, and a lover of all things beautiful. And to Raine,_ everything _was beautiful._

_She was so easy to talk to. With unwavering, eager eyes and a perpetual grin etched onto her face, she listened intently as Dan disclosed everything about himself: his involvement with Ninja Sex Party, the stories of his scars, and even the heroin._

_Raine understood. She understood every aspect of him._

_“I get it, Dan. The drugs. They make life okay again, but it's only temporary. Everything is temporary.”_

(~)

God, he was so tired. Between recording music and recording game play, fatigue was not foreign to Dan, but this was something on a whole different level. Alongside his body, his soul was spent.

Sitting at a red light, he strummed his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel. His knuckles throbbed in pain, and yet he found himself wishing it was more intense. Maybe that way, he figured, it would distract him from the sharp stabs in his gut and the dull headache behind his eyes. Deep down, he knew that was a load of shit. The same sort of ache had been lingering since he got the call from Raine's father. 

In all the years that Dan loved her, he'd grown to love her family as well. That day, however, he abhorred her father just from the words that came from his mouth. 

_“Dan, she...she's gone.”_

Never before had Dan shed tears over a girl. Never before had he dropped his phone to the ground with no concern for the safety of the screen. Never before had he fell to the floor in a fit of shrieks and thrashed against Barry when he tried to pull him to his feet. 

That day crawled through his mind in a blur. He could remember how many times he paced his bedroom – four hundred and three, to be exact – because for the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do with his body, and then the horrified expression on Suzy's face just before she exploded into sobs of her own. 

Nobody, it seemed, could wrap their heads around it. How could a person with so much passion to live just...stop?

The light turned and Dan pressed the gas pedal.

(~)

_He had never officially asked her to be his. Lunch breaks turned into meeting at movie theaters and bowling alleys, and that eventually led to two naked bodies sharing a bed. The previous women in his life who often came and went when his loneliness seemed too great stayed gone, and she couldn't bear the thought of trudging through more than two nights without him._

_Dan was Raine's first, and to him, that meant more than the random bodies that lined up for just a few seconds of his attention at conventions and concerts. Since meeting Raine, there was enough room in his life for only her._

_She was the perfect fit for his lifestyle. She understood the extended periods of time in which they weren't even in the same state. “Don't worry,” she would say with a kiss goodbye at sullen airports. “I'll be right here when you're done being a rockstar.”_

_She would tell him that she loved him. She loved him more than the sun and the stars and all the beautiful things. And some days, remembering that was the only way Dan pressed on._

_And when his plane landed home, she was right where she promised to be. Either in her vibrant summer dresses or sweaters that always seemed to swallow her tiny frame, she stood waiting for him, her arms wrapping around him the moment he was within grabbing distance._

_Raine was always there._

(~)

“I'm just worried about you, dude.”

“Why? I'm fine.”

“No, you're really not.”

Arin's eyes narrowed and Dan averted his. He stared at their reflections in the TV that was supposed to be on and recording. But the man sitting across the couch from him, seemingly peering into the darkest corners of his being, refused to start until something useful came out of Dan's mouth.

“You don't have to keep pushing yourself,” Arin insisted. “It's okay to take a break from all this. It's only been three wee--”

“I know how long it's been, Arin!” Dan spat, his hands curling into fists in his lap. “I don't need you fucking reminding me!”

Arin, who had grown accustomed to people blowing up on him for the pettiest of reasons, let out a heavy huff. As much as he wanted to tell Dan to chill out, he kept his cool. Besides, he couldn't fathom the constant torture his best friend had been enduring every second of every day. 

“I'm sorry,” he offered genuinely. “I just want to help you, man.”

Dan shook his head before running his hands through his hair. It definitely had been awhile since he showered; the strands between his fingers were stiff and greasy. “It should've been me,” he confessed, his voice thick. “Wh-Why was it her and not me?”

Mouth slightly agape, Arin's lips trembled with words he couldn't find. Since Raine left them, he'd only imagined losing Suzy in the same manner once. It had resulted in him clinging to his wife for all that was good, repeating that he loved her more than she could believe. 

“I was the one driving, Arin,” Dan continued when his friend's silence met him. “It's my fault that she's gone!” A breath hitched in his throat. “It should've been me.”

Arin had never seen Dan cry before. When he leaned his face into his palms and his shoulders began to quiver with his sobs, the pajama clad man had absolutely no clue what to do except reach over and place a hand on his back. How in the world could Arin even hope to fix Dan if his own heart was being pulled apart at the seams for him?

“I can't do this,” Dan suddenly mumbled, shaking off Arin's hand as he stood from the couch. 

“Do what?”

Lifting his slender arms, Dan vaguely gestured to everything around him. “Just...this.” Without another word, he started for the exit. 

Arin stared after him. “All right, no worries. I'll see you later.”

Dan gave no reply as he shut the door behind him.

(~)

__

_She always sang to him. In the shower, in the early mornings, in the car. She wasn't good at it, by any means, but Dan loved the sound of it anyway. On the most stressful of days, when he was thousands of miles away, he would call and she would sing and life was okay again._

_“Raine?”_

_“Hi, love. How's the tour?”_

_“Could you sing for me, please?”_

_“Rough day at the office, huh? Of course. I'd do anything for you, Danny. You know that.”_

_Maybe that was where he went wrong. He'd been so distracted with listening to her sing and watching her draw hearts through the condensation on the window that he didn't notice that he drove through a red light._

_His foot couldn't slam onto the brake pedal quickly enough. By the time the truck had slammed into her side of the car, it was too late._

_She was smiling._

(~)

Whether he was going to vomit or pass out, Dan couldn't tell. The pill bottle rattled in his grasp; he couldn't stop himself from trembling. When the doctors prescribed the Oxycontin to him, he was sure the last thought on their minds was that he was going to end his life with them.

He let out a breathy chuckle, wiping the tears from his cheeks. At least he wouldn't be in pain as he slipped away.

After triple checking that the doors of the car were locked, he opened the bottle and shook five of the round pills into his palm. He didn't bother to chase them with water or even give himself enough time to back out. Once they were down his throat, he popped in another five, and another, until finally, there were none left. 

For the first ten minutes, Dan felt fine, albeit disappointed. It wasn't as if he'd done any research on the art of overdosing, but he always thought it would be a hasty act. In the back of his mind, he knew that was stupid. Either way, he'd give it half an hour more. If he wasn't gone by then, well, he'd buy a bottle of whiskey to wash it all down with. 

His stomach ached, but he was unsure if it was the persistent yearning for the only person he couldn't live without, or the fact that he may possibly be on his way to joining her. 

A distant ring sounded from somewhere in the car. Taking a moment to decide if it was something worth investigating, Dan eventually dug into his pocket for his phone. Arin was calling. Typical. 

Then, an idea flashed through his slowly dazing mind. Raine's voicemail still existed even if she didn't. Fingertips numbing, he scrolled through his contacts until her name came into view. Her phone was off. It was the way she left it when the two of them were together. 

_“Hey, it's Raine! You tried to reach me and it didn't work. Sorry about that! Let me know who you are and why you're calling, and I'll give you a ring back! Thanks! Have a great day!”_

Chest ablaze, Dan leaned onto the steering wheel, ignoring the tears cascading down his face. If he was going to die, he decided he was going to use his last few minutes listening to her voice. So, he hung up and called her back.

_“Hey, it's Raine! You tried to reach me and it didn't work. Sorry about that! Let me know who you are and why you're calling, and I'll give you a ring back! Thanks! Have a great day!”_

He was feeling it now, and whatever “it” was was fantastic. Since Raine's death, Dan hadn't felt even the least bit okay. But now, as he hung up and called her again, he was having a hard time remembering what was going on or why he'd driven to the middle of nowhere.

Oh, that's right. He was going to kill himself. 

_“Hey, it's Raine! You tried to reach me and it didn't work--”_

“Leigh Daniel Avidan.”

It felt as if it took hours for Dan to let his head droop to the side. His glazed eyes settled on Raine, who sat facing him in the passenger seat. He'd only seen her truly infuriated once before, but he could pick the way her jaw locked and her brows furrowed together from a crowd. 

“Hey, baby,” he whispered, not entirely sure of he actually formed any words. Limbs weighing a ton, he lifted his hand and reached toward her. Her skin was smooth and warm, just the way he remembered it being. There was no way she wasn't real, and yet something was telling him otherwise. 

Raine remained perfectly still as she allowed Dan to run his fingers down her cheek and to her chin. “What the hell do you think you're doing?” she scolded.

Had he not had a stomach full of Oxycontin, Dan would've flinched at her tone. Instead, his lips curled into a smile for the first time in three weeks. “I'm going to come hang out with you.”

“No, you're not.”

“Why? Don't you want me?”

Turning her head away from his touch, Raine gave a dismal smirk. “Danny,” she said, her voice as exhausted as Dan felt. “I love you more than the sun and the stars and all the beautiful things. Of course I want you. I've wanted you forever, but you're not going to do this to yourself, okay?”

Dan desperately searched her face for any sign that she wasn't serious, that she was only joking. How could she be so against the idea of him coming to her? He just couldn't understand it. 

“I can't do this without you.”

“Do what, Danny?”

“Life.” He said it as if she was supposed to know that all along. Shifting his gaze toward the front window of the car, he thought for a moment that lights were approaching him. They disappeared when he blinked and more tears took their place. “I-I can't do this, Raine. Not without you. Everything hurts all the time and I can't remember how to breathe and I just--”

Her slim fingers curling around his cheeks hushed him. “I need you to listen to me,” she said sternly, her cerulean eyes boring into his. “There was a life before me and there will be one after me. The pain is only temporary, Danny. Everything is temporary.”

“But I--”

“DAN! DAN! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” Arin's fist pounded away at the window over and over again, but Dan couldn't bear to rip his attention from the woman sitting in the car with him. 

Raine exhaled slowly, that everlasting look of compassion written clearly on her face. “I love you, Danny.”

He swallowed hard, leaning into her touch as her thumbs wiped away at his tears. “More than the sun and the stars?” he questioned, needing to hear it one last time.

“And all the beautiful things.”

He wanted to sleep. More than anything, Dan just wanted to wrap his arms around her, close his eyes, and wake up in the morning with her snoring away in his bed. As his hand dropped onto the unlock button and Arin's hands grabbed for his body, he obsessed over the thought.

Raine's face burned into his eyelids.

(~)

Dan's eyes opened and everything was beautiful. 


	2. All I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _Stay With Me - Sam Smith_
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS**
> 
> Domestic Abuse  
>   
> 

It never failed to shatter his heart. Every week, it seemed, she wore another black eye or split lip. And every week, he watched her from afar, never finding quite enough courage to spark a conversation. More often than not, he found himself wishing she would approach him. Then again, girls expected him to approach them, more often than not. 

“The usual, Dan?”

“Yeah. Thanks, man.” Dan had never learned the bartender's name. He had no reason to. After all, he only partook in his weekly routine to watch the girl and wonder about her. 

He knew her name was Raine and she only kept this waitress job to pay her way through college. Oh, and that she continuously stuck around whoever enjoyed pounding their fist into her face. Other than that, she was a complete mystery to Dan – one that he had every and no intention of unraveling. Besides, she never once looked his way. 

Throwing back his shot of whiskey, Dan tossed a five onto the counter and stood from his stool. He hated this bar with its constant clouds of cigarette smoke and the type of patrons that left him feeling in need of a scalding hot shower. But it was the only place Raine was and she made it all worth it. 

The midnight air was a crisp slap to Dan's face. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, eyeing the black Chevrolet Camaro that sat parked in the same spot every single night he came. The windows were tinted, but Dan could see the bright light of a phone screen through it. Like always, he chose to ignore it and went on his way.

It didn't surprise him in the least to find Barry awake when he got home. What would've caught him off guard would've been if that man found his way to bed before three in the morning. Hardly anything surprised Dan anymore. Everything about his life – Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Raine's scars – were becoming a routine of their own. 

“Good night, dude.”

“Night, man.”

Unlike the Grump Space, Dan kept his bedroom dark. It disoriented him on the days he woke up past noon and made it unwelcoming for anyone curious enough to peer inside. There hadn't been a curious person in quite some time, though. Dan had cast away his old flings the moment his eyes first settled on Raine through a haze of cigarette smoke. 

It was still so early, and yet he was so tired. He always felt tired after visiting that damn bar.

Stripping himself down to nothing but his boxers, Dan crawled underneath his blankets, his mind filled with the constant pout of Raine's lips and the way her delicate fingers curled around beer mugs. He sighed, closed his eyes, and allowed his hand to find its way into his boxers.

(~)

“Have you considered, y'know, actually talking to her?”

“I don't know, man. She has a boyfriend.”

“Are you sure about that?”

No, Dan wasn't sure, now that Arin mentioned it. He'd never talked much about Raine to anyone, but finally disclosing his feelings about her – without divulging the fact that he masturbated to the mere thought of her nearly every night – relieved some of the odd tension built up inside of him. 

The question of Raine actually having a boyfriend seemed legit enough to think over four more times. Growing up, Dan had been accustomed to assuming women had husbands or boyfriends if they suffered from black eyes. However, now that he was approaching forty, his old beliefs were beginning to falter. 

“What if she's a back alley scrapper during the day and a waitress at night?” Arin suggested, slicing into his pancakes with his fork. An amiable smirk played on his lips. “That would be sick as shit, man.”

Dan laughed at this – a sincere, genuine laugh. “That _would_ be sick as shit,” he agreed as he added another packet of sugar to his coffee. “I doubt it, though.”

The restaurant they had chosen was as busy as always. Dishes and utensils clinked loudly and the buzz of voices created a hum of noise that Dan no longer heard. He was familiar with large crowds. During the Ninja Sex Party and Starbomb tours, he'd trained himself to see fans as nothing more than faceless blurs that sounded the same. 

But the moment she walked through the glass double doors, her brunette hair pulled atop her head in a bun, every face and sound in the room became more apparent to Dan than they had in years.

“Oh shit, dude!” Dan hissed, turning his head toward the window to his right. “Fuck! That's her!”

Nearly choking on a chuckle of coincidence, Arin straightened his back, his eyes scanning the crowd. “The chick at the counter?” he questioned through a mouthful of food. “Oh, yeah. She's way cute. I can see why you have the hots for her.”

Resisting the urge to gently deliver his foot into Arin's knee from under the table, Dan narrowed his eyes in a glower. “Stop looking at her, dude!” he muttered, realizing soon after that he had no reason to fret. It wasn't as if Raine was going to pay any attention to him anyway. “What's she doing?”

“Shit, Dan. Do you want me to look at her or not?” There was a hint of playfulness in Arin's voice. “Looks like she's trying to get an application.”

An application? Was she trying to snag _another_ job? 

Dan turned back to his regular seating position – relaxed, but not too relaxed – and used his hand to hide the fact that he was watching her through his fingers. He felt silly doing this – childish, even – but there was something about being in the same room as Raine that made him feel twenty years younger. 

Just her presence brought out an old, buried part of him – a part that was curious and naive and reckless. 

“Hey.”

Dan's gaze shot up and settled on Raine's face. Immediately, he heart plummeted and it wasn't just became she was less than five feet from him and actually looking at him. It was the way her full lips pulled into a frown and her sky blue eyes sparked with ire. 

“You've been fucking following me, haven't you?” Raine accused, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. Luckily – or unluckily, given the circumstances at play – Dan sneaked a peek at her slender fingers. “You're at the bar every night when I come on shift and now you show up at my uncle's restaurant? Who the fuck are you?!”

Staring up at the girl who he had spent countless hours thinking of, Dan's mouth ran dry. He'd always wanted her attention, but not like this. “N-No, I haven't been following you,” he stammered, trying to ignore the judgmental looks the other customers were casting his way. It was only half a lie; he had had no clue her uncle owned the place. 

“Bullshit,” Raine spat. Even in her fury, Dan still found her to be so beautiful. “Stay the hell away from me or I'm getting the cops involved.”

Like the hurricane Dan came to realize she was, she stormed from the restaurant, leaving the two men absolutely dumbfounded. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Arin's mouth finally opened. 

“Holy shit, dude. You sure know how to pick 'em.”

(~)

Three months passed without Raine. As much as it pained him, Dan avoided the bar and the restaurant like they were the plague. His days turned bleak and dreary. If her absence and horrid final memory hadn't been enough to begin his downward spiral, it had rained at least twice a week, every week.

The tours, signings, and Grump sessions did nothing for his addiction to her. Raine invaded his thoughts at every moment, filling him with an insatiable loneliness that there seemed to be no cure for but the woman herself. He couldn't bring himself to understand it. She had never been his to begin with – not even close. So why did it feel as though she had yanked his heart from his chest and ripped it in half?

It was Barry's idea to make their way to the bar one especially stormy night. “C'mon, man,” the shorter man urged on, refusing to accept Dan's “no” for an answer. “She probably doesn't even remember. It'll be fine.”

Dan had given Barry a rundown of Raine's explosion that terrible Saturday morning, although he skimmed over some of the finer details. She was just a girl who lost her cool. At least, that's what Dan made it out to be. Recalling too many of the details – like the way she looked at him with such hatred – still caused a pang of agony in his gut.

And so, as Dan and Barry took their seats at the bar and ordered two shots each, tension arose all around them. It wasn't until they were three more shots and two drinks in that Dan finally noticed Raine tending to a table across the room. When he did, it was as if he was seeing an entirely different person. 

Her hair had been chopped off, tapering just at her chin. Her eyes, once two bright orbs that first drew Dan in, were now dull and exhausted. The most recent black eye seemed to be in the process of healing, but a long, angry gash down her left forearm made up for it. Where there was Raine, there were wounds. 

Even buzzed, Dan knew better than to stare for too long. The last thing he needed was a conversation with the police. So, instead of watching her every move like he used to, he turned his attention to the shot Barry had just paid for, hoping that he'd become invisible and stay invisible. 

“We have to go,” Dan muttered to his friend, who cast him a bewildered stare. 

“What? Why?” slurred Barry, his eyes only half open. Driving was out of the question for both of them. Fortunately, their place was only three blocks away. “We just got here, I think.”

Dan sighed and buried his face in his palms. He's learned long ago that there was no arguing with drunk Barry; the guy was as stubborn as a mule. What the hell was Dan going to do? If Raine saw him, she'd surely follow up with her words. She didn't seem like the kind of person to make empty threats. The answer came to him through a familiar tickling sensation in his lower abdomen. 

Dan stood from his stool and headed for the one place she couldn't go: the men's restroom. 

Finally, he was alone. Alone with nothing but his usual overwhelming thoughts of the woman in the same building as him. She was still so gorgeous and he couldn't figure out why. Every time her face popped into his mind, he nearly felt as if his heart would beat from his chest. He'd never come across someone who affected him so severely before and for the first time in his life, it scared him. 

It scared him so badly, in fact, that he was hiding out in a restroom because he last thing he wanted was to inconvenience her. Since when did he worry about things like that? He was Dan Avidan, for shit's sake. Women threw themselves at him on a daily basis, so why was he letting this one decide where he could and couldn't go?

Dan washed his hands once he was finished, a new fire of confidence burning fiercely inside him. It could have also been the booze, but he paid no mind to that as he practically kicked open the restroom door and came face-to-face with Raine. Arms crossed once again, she caught him by surprise, causing his new confidence to crack ever so slightly. 

“I thought I told you not to come here,” she snapped, her head tilted upward to meed his shocked gaze. 

“You did,” reminded Dan, “but fuck you.” God, did he want to.

Raine hadn't expected this. A crease formed between her brows as she shifted her weight. He'd left her speechless with five simple words. 

“I haven't done shit to you,” Dan went on when Raine's silence met him. “So what if I come here a lot? Doesn't mean I come here for you.” This counted as the second lie he tossed her way. “You don't even know me, so what gives you the right to dictate what I do?”

“Dan, I--”

Hearing her say his name was a rush of euphoria. It was a first and he was certain he'd be craving the sound of it for years. “So you _do_ know who I am--”

Raine cut him off by cupping her palms around his cheeks. “Will you shut up for three seconds, you drunken idiot?” she hissed, her broken features suddenly soft. “I wanted you to stay away for your sake. Not mine.”

Beginning to sober quickly, Dan resisted bringing his hands to hers on his face. A million questions raced through his mind, but ultimately he settled on the easiest and broadest of them all. “What?”

Raine sighed, her blue pools darting all around his face, studying him. Slowly, her thumbs rubbed back and forth against his skin. “Dan...” She lifted herself onto her toes, her lips falling onto his. 

Though her lips were cracked and split in places, excitement burst through Dan. It was like his first kiss all over again, even if he was insanely confused. Was this the same woman who threatened him three months ago? She'd seemed so serious back then and now she had cornered him in a dark foyer to kiss him? Was the world ending and she was the only one aware of it?

No, he figured. There was something amiss. 

Gingerly, Dan curled his hands around her forearms and separated himself from her. “Would you mind telling me what's going on?” he asked, pushing away his urge to feel her mouth one or ten times more. 

Raine pursed her lips into a thin line and turned her head to peek out into the rest of the bar. The bartender and Barry hadn't noticed that either of them were gone, but it wasn't them she was concerned about. Outside, thunder boomed. “Can I stay with you tonight?” she pleaded. “Just for tonight?”

Good God, she was full of surprises. It also seemed that she was intent on dodging his questions. 

“Not unless you tell me--”

“I'll tell you on the way!” Raine snarled briskly. The longer their bantering went on, the more hasty and agitated she became. “Just...Just grab your friend and let's go.”

If Dan thought she was mysterious before he'd ever shared words with her, well, that was nothing compared to now. He took a selfish moment to size her up. She obviously wanted out of the bar as soon as possible, but why him? Why did she want to go back to his place? Nothing was adding up, but Dan knew that if he wanted answers, he needed to comply.

“Okay,” he exhaled, not realizing that he'd been holding his breath through his musings. 

Raine grinned and Dan wondered why he even questioned her to begin with. “I'll meet you in the back of the building in five.”

She planted one more kiss on his cheek and disappeared into the bar.

(~)

“This is fucking nuts, dude!”

“I know, I know! Just...humor me with this, okay?”

Like always, the Camaro waited on the side of the street, purring in idle. There was no phone light this time, but Dan swore he felt eyes on his back as he and Barry made their way down the dirty alley at the side of the bar. Raine had beat them there, as expected. With a nervous air about her, she stood near the rear entrance of the building, her hands curled into fists at her side. 

“Took you long enough,” she scolded as the two men approached her. She paused and gathered herself. “Sorry. I'm a little on edge. Can we go to your place now?”

Ignoring the persistent look of skepticism Barry was throwing at him, Dan nodded. “Now's as good of a time as any.”

“Are you even sober enough to drive?” Barry inquired with an almost condescending tone to his words. “Because I sure as hell am not.”

“No, but--”

“I am.” Raine stepped forward, her hand outstretched for the keys. “I'm not a drinker.”

“But you work at a bar...” Barry's incredulous words faded as he shook his head and raised his hands in defeat. “Doesn't matter. Can we just get out of this alley? I feel like we're going to be murdered back here.”

So the trio ventured on. As they returned to the sidewalk, Raine hesitated before taking a step around the corner of the building. Seeing that the Camaro had gone, she let out a quick sigh of relief and straightened her shoulders. The confidence she usually held had returned and as Dan watched her from the corner of his eye, he began to crave her lips. 

Raine was an excellent driver – much better than Dan and Barry combined. With the exception of the two taking turns to give her directions, the ride was silent and slightly uncomfortable. Between Raine's urgency, Barry's cynicism, and Dan's eagerness, nobody went more than ten seconds without adjusting the way they were sitting. Once the car came to a stop outside their home, the piled out with haste. 

Not wanting to get involved with whatever was going on, Barry bid the two a good night and retreated to his room. Maybe Dan had imagined it, but he could've sworn he heard the door lock behind him. 

“Not really what I expected,” Raine commented once she and Dan had gone to his room, “but it'll do, I guess.”

Watching her peer curiously about the pictures and posters on the walls, his desk, and his bed, Dan couldn't help but feel a little cheated. He'd imagined her in this room a thousand times before – minus the clothes, of course – but his mind portrayed it as a glorious moment of victory. This was the opposite of what he wanted. 

“You owe me an explanation,” he reminded her as he leaned against the wall. 

Raine sat on the edge of his bed, crossing her ankles over each other. “Look, I know I haven't been the nicest person to you.”

Biting the inside of his cheek, Dan held back a scoff. She was right; threatening someone one day and then deciding to kiss them another day couldn't exactly fall into the “nice” category. 

“I did it for you, though. And trust me when I say it hasn't been easy.” Her eyes flashed to meet his and when they did, Dan's heart raced as it did the first time she'd looked at him back at the diner. 

“What do you mean?”

“I've wanted you since the day I first saw you and my girlfriend knows that. I told you to stay away for your safety. Not mine, obviously.” 

Dan's gaze fell to the bruises, cuts, and scars on her body. While the cranks in his mind worked, his mouth twitched with unspoken words. Raine had a girlfriend and she'd wanted him all this time? All those nights he spent alone, thinking of her with his hand down his pants, the feeling had been mutual? Despite wanting to sit on his bed and wrap an arm around her, he stayed where he was. 

“Why don't you just leave her?” he suggested.

Leaning back on her palms, Raine swallowed hard. “You've never been in a shitty relationship, have you?” In all honestly, he had, but she didn't give him a chance to answer. “Her cousin has gang connections. She'd kill me – literally – and then come after you.”

Dan was speechless, unsure of what to say. This woman he barely knew, and yet was nearly to the point of obsessing over, continued to keep herself in a dangerous situation for his sake. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Surely Raine was running a high risk by coming home with him; he could understand her insistence back at the bar and the alley. 

Instead of wasting time with more questions, he acted. In two short seconds, Dan was on her and she on him. Clothes fell onto the floor in every direction, fingers laced through strands of hair, and moans of different pitches escaped their lips. 

As Dan trailed a path of gentle kisses down the middle of Raine's stomach, his lips caressing every bruise and scar on the way, he made a point to be sure her sacrifice wouldn't be for naught.

(~)

Hungover and groggy, Dan rolled over to an empty space in his bed. If it hadn't been for the way his sheets had been pulled up at the corners and the lingering smell of sex permeating about his room, he would've thought the night before had been a dream.

His imagination proved to pale in comparison to the real thing. 

Dan groaned at the throbbing pain behind his right eye as he sat up. A piece of paper on his bedside table caught his attention. Trying to distract himself from the headache, he grabbed for it and let his eyes trace over the ting, neat letters. 

_Dan,_

_This can't happen again. I got it out of my system and I hope it's out of yours. I don't know you and you don't know me._

_Love,  
Raine_

Exhaling slowly, Dan rested his head back onto his pillow. He closed his eyes and placed the note atop his chest, a smirk growing on his face. Was Raine out of his system? Of course not. 

But least he'd gotten a taste of what he was sure was more to come.


	3. The Falling of Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _  
> Let It Go - James Bay_
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> **  
>  Mentions of Drug Use  
> Mentions of Alcohol Consumption  
> Mentions of Domestic Abuse  
> Cheating  
> 

His hand trailed down her back, his fingertips just barely tracing the indent of her spine. He'd lost track of time long ago – back when the clock read three in the morning and when her eyelids were still unrelentingly fluttering. Even now, with the way her blue pools flashed every so often, she fought sleep. Was she just as aware as he was?

Dan closed his own eyes for just a moment. Dreams wouldn't visit as easily for him; his heart ached too much. He couldn't understand it. For months, he knew this was coming. It had never meant to last, and yet they always found a reason to keep trying.

He sighed and took in the scent of her hair. Rose petals – the same as the day he first met her. She had jumped into his arms unexpectedly at a convention. Just another crazy fan, he had assumed. Then she pulled away and smiled and that was all it took.

Raine was never good for Dan. He knew that all too well. The worst part was, was that he couldn't have given two shits about that fact. She was young, she was wild, and she was out of his league. And he loved that about her. 

Running his hands down the length of her luscious hair, Dan pressed his lips to her temple. The beer he had chugged not even two hours ago (or six hours; time no longer felt real) still settled bitterly on the back of his tongue. He considered peeling himself away from her to tiptoe to the fridge and grab another, but ultimately cast that idea aside. He wanted to hold her for as long as he could.

She had been the reason why he had picked up drinking again. Fresh out of college, partying was still one of Raine's top priorities. When Dan suddenly found himself drunk at midnight, dancing in his underwear to songs his parents listened to in their teens with a giggling beauty twirling around him, the last thing he was was surprised. Her laughter was even more intoxicating than the wine. 

Raine had even reintroduced him to his first love. Dan had spent countless days lost in a haze of pot smoke and booze binges. The four years he'd lasted by her side had gone by in the blink of an eye, and yet somehow seemed to painfully drag on. During that time, his family and friends had noticed, commented, and even tried to get him to change his ways, to go back to the old Dan they loved so much, but he paid them no mind. 

She had tainted him in the worst ways and he had loved every second of it. Had.

Dan's breath hitched in his throat as she stirred. Sunlight was beginning to invade their bedroom, seeping in through the cracks in the blinds. It wouldn't be long now before he'd have to break the news to her and turn away before her tears spilled over. He'd tried so many times before, never quite gaining enough courage to go through with it completely. 

But this time would be different. Dan knew he had to go and this time, without her delicate fingers between his. 

There it was: that all too familiar pang of agony in his heart. He pictured thousands of needles piercing it from every which way, leaving him breathless and trembling. How in the hell was he going to do this? How was he going to wake up in the mornings without her snoring away next to him? How was he going to make it through the toughest of days without her voice purring his name?

That thought alone was nearly enough to make him rethink all of this. He could easily unpack his belongings from his car and slip back into bed before she had the chance to wake up. She would never know his intentions and they could just go back to their not-so-normal life together. 

No, Dan decided with a clenched jaw. This had to happen. Sure, the constant access to all the alcohol, drugs, and mind-blowing sex had been great. Wonderful, even. But it wasn't who he was. Not anymore, at least. 

“Mm, Danny, what time is it?”

“Still early, baby. Go back to sleep.”

Raine didn't give that a second thought. A pleased grin secure on her face, she sighed, rolled over, and nuzzled her way toward his chest as she tumbled into slumber once more. Beside her, Dan lay motionless, his eyes brimming with tears. 

On the bedside table, her phone vibrated in with a staccato rhythm. Letting out a heavy breath, Dan wondered which one it was this time. Was it the newly divorced father of two, or the real estate agent who had talked them into buying this house that Dan despised so much?

He wanted to be angry with her. He'd known for years that he wasn't the only one she shared a bed with. But he loved her too damned much. That would always be his downfall and the reason why he couldn't stay. 

It was as if he had only blinked before Raine was shaking him. He woke with a start, his gaze falling on the clock. Five past noon. He was supposed to have been long gone hours ago. 

“Dan – Dan, why are all of your things in the car?”

Fuck. He'd completely screwed himself. 

Sitting up, Dan rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was just so groggy and sick to his stomach. Why couldn't he just reverse time and avoid meeting her altogether? Fake some sort of illness and skip the convention?

“I have to leave.” There. Simple, short, and straight to the point. 

“B-But you didn't t-tell me about any tours.” The tears were already flowing, dripping off the edges of her chin and landing on the blankets. “It is a tour, right?”

Dan froze. He could've sworn nobody else existed but them in that moment, but another series of vibrations from her phone reminded him otherwise. “No, it isn't.” He swallowed the hard lump in his throat. “I'm leaving _you_ , Raine.”

Time stopped as the two stared each other down. Raine paled. She didn't even attempt to wipe away the tears. And Dan, well, he was on the verge of vomiting at any given second. 

“Why?”

“Raine, please don't ask--”

A shove to his chest quieted him. His back slammed against the wall and his teeth bit into the side of his tongue. She glowered at him, her cheeks crimson. 

“Don't fucking tell me not to ask questions! What, were you just going to leave while I was sleeping and never speak to me again?!”

That would have been a better plan, but Dan couldn't go through with something like that. Doing it this way was hard enough as is. “Don't be stupid! You know I wouldn't do that!”

“I thought I knew that you'd never leave me like you promised! But I guess I was wrong!”

She'd lost control of her volume. With her shrieking, Dan wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors could hear everything that was going on. He shuffled his way out of the tangle of blankets, readying himself to push her back if she tried to lunge. If she did, it wouldn't have been the first time. However, there was no need; she didn't move. 

“I'm over it, Raine. I can't handle it anymore.” He refused to look at her glossy eyes. Stoned and pissed. What a perfect combination. 

“Handle what?” She already sounded broken, as if he'd slapped her. Again, if he did, it wouldn't have been the first time. 

Dan had never been a violent man, but Raine was the only person capable of pushing him to that point. He found it ironic, really, that he couldn't stand the idea of screaming at her, but delivering his palm to her face wasn't much of a problem, especially when she made him so angry that he began to see spots. 

“Everything.” The exhaustion was apparent in his voice. “Th-The fucking drugs, the weeks of being drunk every single day, the men. God, Raine, how hard is it to not jump on every dick you see?!”

Maybe he'd gone too far, he mused as another bout of tears cascaded down her stained cheeks. Or maybe he hadn't gone far enough. He'd spent days, months, years wallowing in sorrow because of what she constantly did behind his back. This was payback. She had it coming. 

“But I love _you_ , Danny!” Raine scrambled to her feet, desperately reaching toward him. In a swift motion, he sidestepped her tremulous grasp. “You know that! I've loved you before I even knew you!”

And he loved her too. God, he loved her so much, but it wasn't enough now. It hadn't been enough for such a long time. 

“I'm leaving.”

“Please, Dan. Don't do this. Wh-What are your parents going to say? Your sister? Her _kids_ , for shit's sake?!”

That thought hadn't hit Dan yet. What was he going to tell them? His family adored Raine just as much as he had, but they'd understand. He'd been through breakups before. Hell, probably more than he could remember at this point. And Carter and Nash were much too young to remember. They'd move on. They all would. 

He began his trek to the car, trying his damnedest to shrug off Raine's fast-paced breaths. “Dan? Dan!” She curled her hands around his forearm, pulling herself so close to him that they nearly became one. “Please, baby, don't do this! I-I'll stop talking to every guy except you! I promise! I'll stop fucking up!”

“GET OFF, RAINE!” Screaming at her made his throat burn. It always had. His tone struck her more than the rough shove to get her away from him. “It's over, okay?! I'm done with you! I'm done with this fucking house! I'm done with everything!”

Dan nearly ran to his car, ignoring the ever so nosy mother who lived in the house to their left. She peered over her perfectly trimmed hedges, her beady eyes locked on his figure as he slammed the car door. Giving himself a moment to collect himself, he sat in the silence, too afraid to turn on his car and too worked up to sit still. 

Raine watched him from the window, her chest heaving and her legs quivering. He was leaving. He'd promised. He said he would never leave her alone. And yet, there he went, the tires screeching against the pavement as they turned sharply. Why did this feel so empty?

(~)

It only took two rings for her to pick up. Dan's tears had dried within moments of pulling off of the dreaded street he once lived on. A sense of freedom settled over him, sending a warming sensation throughout his chest. It enveloped him, spreading from the very top of his head, to the tips of his fingers, and down to his toes.

And he even smiled the moment he heard her voice. 

“Danny?”

“Hey, baby.” He glanced in the rear view mirror. Nobody was following him. 

“Did you do it? Is she gone?”

“Yeah, just finished. I'll be there shortly.”

“The door's unlocked. I love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
